Every home should have one

I wonder if I could have a few moments of your time?

I feel that it is my responsibility sometimes to remind the reading public that a society such as ours goes about its everyday business often with strict regard to certain well-established norms of behaviour.

In this regard, I wonder if I could prevail upon you -- it will only take a moment -- to reach down between your legs and see if you can locate something to grab onto. You don't need to go far -- just keep searching at arms length in a region often referred to as the crotch.

More than likely you'll know what I'm talking about as many of you no doubt find an excuse to visit this locale several times a day. In your hand is a tackle box. If you don't possess this item of anatomy, I need trouble you no longer. You can go back to browsing.

The rest of you should not take this opportunity to spend an undue amount of time down there exploring a structural component which you are perhaps already quite familiar with. You can adjust it. Hitch it up. That will do. All I'm interested in is reminding you that it's there.

What you had (it's OK to return your hand to the mouse now) was what a lot of young ladies lack. In homes across Australia, women are raising kids, working the double shift and getting pregnant without an in-house, on-call tackle box resting now and then on the lounge room sofa. You could be the biggest prick (excuse the analogy) in the world, but there's a home somewhere that needs your balls.

I'm going directly to the short and curlies because someone has to be frank about this. What this country lacks are enough tackle boxes to go freely to all the good homes requiring them. Indeed without them they're not going to be good homes. Think of the kids! Every home should have one.

Unfortunately, there are many women out there who haven't as yet met Mr Right, the tackle box of their dreams. Indeed, there are some who have given up the quest for a package to come home to and have settled for a Ms Right instead.

While it's all very nice to pretend to be modern and broad-minded, I somehow think that we're short-changing our children. Every child has the right to be brought up in a home environment which includes at least one set of testes. That's why these items are so often referred to as the family jewels.

Without a full set, what's a child to do? Before you know it there will be a whole generation of Australians sitting down to pee. And we can't have that, can we?

So while it may be the done thing to call upon the tackle box for a bit of this and that, the Australian way of life relies on live-in pollinators and a master bedroom which features regular slap and tickle between consenting adults of both sexes. And if the children want to watch, that's all for the best -- a real, honest to god family would introduce matinees.

Source: Life of Riley archives