Privy preservation

I'm going to tell you something that may surprise, even shock, you. I'll be describing a frequent act that I'm not proud to own up to. It's sure to be the dirtiest thing you'll hear all day.

I have to confess. I need to tell someone and be done with it. I'm sick of bottling it up inside me. Just don't let my mum know:

I pull down my pants in public toilets.

There. I said it. I feel much better now. But that's what I do.

I just can't help myself. When I enter these places, that's all I can think about -- exposing myself.

This desire can come over me at anytime. I seem to have no control over it. I'm just a victim of a sudden overwhelming urge to go places.

I mention this habit of mine, not because I'm proud of it, but because I feel I must say something now that what goes on in these places is so much in the news.

As one local shire mayor told the press: “I don't need that type of activity in my toilet blocks”.

You can imagine how this makes me feel. I'm the guilty party here. I have done things I'd never talk about, things that I'm not proud of, things that I would never do in front of my own family -- in the very toilet blocks to which this mayor refers.

While these facilities may be open for use by the general public, I have always presumed that I would be afforded an acceptable level of privacy so that I could indulge in the activities I came in for. But the city council have now taken off the dunny doors.

I'm sorry this had to happen. I hope I am never overwhelmed by the urge again while I'm out picnicking or walking the dog. In future I will try to limit these activities to the privacy of my own home.

Nonetheless, I know I speak on behalf of all of us when I say how much we appreciate the fact that these conveniences are still generally available. We all, I'm sure, value the plumbing and tissue paper this great nation of ours freely provides its citizens. At a time when so many services are being cut back, it's comforting to know that there is one budgetary item that perhaps doesn't lend itself to ready privatisation.

But if I mend my ways, will the dunny doors stay on? Stuff this malarky about pastoral leases. What we really want to know is: will the national heritage of toilet blocks be preserved as an integral part of our lifestyle? You can cut just so far, Mr Howard!

Do you know what separates us so much from the our Third World neighbours? It's not race or culture, GNP or political freedoms, but our national network of public conveniences.*

So any mayor should be warned to tread wearily. To many they're just smelly and dirty places that are visited only as a last resort. But don't be misled by appearances. Those lavatories are a national treasure.

* Concerned “LADIES” and “GENTS” are urged to sign up today as jerry men and women by joining the Privy Preservation Society .

PUBLIC ANNOUNCEMENT: Mr Riley is not anally fixated. You just happened to drop by during a theme driven week.